Dr. Audrey Goldman

2008-02-10T16:07:00.000-08:00

TITLE: NARCISSISTIC JERK – OUCH!!!!

In the service of not judging and labeling our clients.

I recently read an article in the New York Times which I found most disturbing. The author is a psychiatrist. It was about the husband of one of his client's – it seems that her husband of nearly 30 years told her that he felt stalled and not self-actualized—so “he began his search for self knowledge in the arms of another woman”—it wasn’t that he didn’t love her – he just didn’t find the relationship exciting. The author goes on to describe his client’s husband as a “narcissistic jerk.”

We live in an age in which crass epithets are in vogue. More importantly, it’s also fashionable to mock others and bandy about the N (narcissist) word in a careless and incorrect fashion. The therapist and writer of the article makes an automatic assumption that a married man’s (or it could have been a woman) affair was a search for novelty and thrill. He then proceeds to note that the more he learned about his client’s husband, the more he saw that the husband had always been a “self centered guy” – “a garden variety case of a middle aged narcissist.”

I believe we therapists have to be careful not to make judgments about our clients – in so doing, implicitly putting ourselves on a pedestal – Of course, we make judgments (appraisals) every day. Should I buy this dress or that, this brand of almond butter? Is this person someone who I want to spend time with? What is my opinion of that tai chi class that I took last semester? What is my philosophy of life and love? It’s part of being human to engage in the process of evaluation—a process that we must ultimately engage in, in order to survive and thrive.

Those kinds of judgments are different from judgments like the one about a client – he’s just a “self centered guy.” Freedom of thought and expression are cornerstones of our culture. But if I engage in the process of labeling my clients or their spouses with insults like “narcissistic jerk”, how will this affect the way that I perceive them and relate to them? How will it affect the coaching process if I am full of opinions, judgments or even contempt? Will I be able to support them and help them to make the positive changes that they want to make?

Although I am not a fan of the term “midlife crisis”, the author’s disclaimer that this is not a midlife crisis but just a case of ‘garden variety narcissism’ is a poor alternative – it introduces a personality description/characteristic which implicitly tends to blame an individual for developing such a condition. And “jerk” is simply contempt – publicly aired, patronizing contempt, from a psychiatrist, at that.

Renunciation of narcissism in favor of love was a goal of Freud’s treatment. Heinz Kohut, the famous psychologist who came after Freud, developed the Self Psychology model. Kohut broke with Freud’s tradition, suggesting that narcissism is neither obnoxious nor pathological. Suggesting that narcissism can be positive and needs to be integrated into our personalities, he and others following altered American psychoanalysis – as well as the world views of many of us.

Among other descriptors, Narcissists have been described as requiring excessive admiration
or needing to feel special, adored, loved, appreciated, or admired. This brings up the question of how we define “excessive” – another judgmental word -- But if we translate this to needing a lot of or even wanting a lot of admiration and love, then the punctuation changes. This to me fits in with the idea of a positive kind of narcissism which could be integrated into our personalities – and indeed into the relationship of this couple – in fact, it could even be accepted and addressed – Perhaps a very different outcome could have been realized if the husband had turned to his wife and said something which I have encouraged my clients to say to their mates,

“I would like to feel more loved, appreciated and admired by you.” And if the client could love herself a little bit more, then this might lead to more appreciation by her husband.

This is the first in a 3 part series -- Stay Tuned!

Resilience

2008-01-10T11:44:00.000-08:00

In keeping with Maria Wojtczak’s work on finding our passion, I have been thinking about 6 pillars of the authentic self. The first I call “resilience.”

On Resilience—drawing upon capacities of the “real” self that pull you through setbacks and enable you to keep moving ahead toward the goals that you have set for yourself –the capacity to experience a wide range of feelings deeply with liveliness, Joy, excitement and spontaneity.

A women that I worked with recently reminded me of many of the plucky individuals I have met at SJN --she had handled many obstacles at a major turning point in her life – despite much opposition from her parents, her boyfriend’s pressuring her and threatening to leave if she didn’t move in with him and her advisor leaving the university a year before she was finished her thesis.

Abigail was able to draw upon key capacities of her self that pulled her through these setbacks and enabled her to move ahead toward the goals that she had set for herself. She knew that choosing a career that was not in line with her father’s wishes was a wise decision and best for her; the “real” self provides for the experience of emotions both good and bad, comfortable or not-so-comfortable. These are an essential part of life which the real self does not create barriers against or go into hiding. It except the wide range of feelings and is not afraid to express them. Abigail had learned early in life that self-activation would bring positive responses from her environment.

Dr. Audrey Goldman - Relationship Coach

2007-12-07T19:23:00.000-08:00

Dr. Audrey Goldman is a Relationship Coach located in the Greater Phoenix Arizona area.

Audrey Goldman works with couples and individuals through private coaching and 4 and 8-week courses to improve couple communication, enhance intimacy, and restore love. Dr. Goldman’s wisdom, experience, and compassion enable her to empower people to resolve their problems and conflicts creatively and peacefully, communicate more compassionately and “recapture the magic.”

Her website can be found at Relationship Matters